Why do we so often misinterpret the people we care about most?
Why do our best intentions in relationships sometimes lead to pain or disconnection?

This upcoming training explores these questions by diving into the underlying psychological architecture of conflict. Drawing from the work of leading figures in CBT, dynamic psychotherapy, and mindfulness-based science, the workshop reveals how our deepest relational struggles are not caused by others—but by the way we unconsciously defend against our own core fears.

The Core Fear: What We’re Really Trying to Avoid

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy research (Burns, Gillihan, Beck) has demonstrated that at the heart of our mental and relational conflicts lies a core fear—a central, often unconscious belief about ourselves that drives anxiety, shame, or insecurity.

In relationships, this fear becomes a lens we unconsciously use to interpret others. It might be:

  • “I’m not lovable.”

  • “I’ll be rejected if I’m vulnerable.”

  • “I have to be perfect to be safe.”

These beliefs distort how we see others—especially in close relationships—and lead us to make false projections about their intentions, feelings, or behaviors (Johnson, Park). We aren’t reacting to the other person—we’re reacting to the shadow cast by our own fear.

The Chief Defense: How We Sabotage Connection

According to Davenloo and others in dynamic psychotherapy, we react to our core fears with what’s called a chief defense—an ingrained, habitual strategy we use to protect ourselves or to try to get the love, validation, or control we long for.

But here’s the irony:
These defenses are designed to protect us, but they often backfire, pushing others away or reinforcing the very fear we’re trying to escape.

Examples of chief defenses include:

  • Controlling or criticizing to avoid feeling helpless.

  • Withdrawing to avoid the risk of rejection.

  • People-pleasing to avoid conflict but losing authenticity.

Even when the other person genuinely has acted insensitively, our defense—more than their action—may be the true source of conflict escalation (Fernanda).

Reclaiming Power: New Choices in Perception and Response

Here’s where the work gets transformative.

Once we begin to recognize our core fear and name our chief defense, we regain the power to choose something different. Rather than reacting from old wiring, we can respond with clarity, presence, and intention. This is where the path opens toward:

  • Mutual understanding

  • Empathy and emotional attunement

  • Flow states in relationships (Seligman, Csikszentmihalyi)

  • And ultimately, a deeper sense of meaning and connection (Costello)

Relationships, in this light, are not just sites of conflict or emotional need—they become living laboratories for growth, healing, and mindfulness in action (Kabat-Zinn, Roemer).

Upcoming Training:

New Advances in Deconstructing Relationships

Explore the Core Fear–Chief Defense Model and Transform How You Support Relationships

This experiential training offers clinicians and practitioners a powerful model for understanding and healing interpersonal dynamics. Learn how to help clients:

  • Identify the core fears driving their perceptions.

  • Recognize their chief defenses and the ways they backfire.

  • Shift into more mindful, connected, and authentic ways of relating.

Whether you work with couples, families, groups, or individuals struggling in relationship, this model will give you practical tools and a neuroscience-informed roadmap for deep and lasting change.

🗓️ Sat. Jul. 26, 2025
🔗 Learn More
🎓 Earn 3 CE credits

We cannot always change the people around us, but we can change how we see them—and how we show up. That’s where healing begins.